#768 Parson’s Pleasure- Roald Dahl

#768 Parson’s Pleasure- Roald Dahl

We have all come to know TV shows like American Pickers where treasure hunters try to uncover some hidden gem in a garage full of rubbish. I watched that show once and cringed at the buyers shamelessly trying to buy the antiques at a ridiculously low amount even though they knew exactly how much the stuff was worth. This story is about that.

Mr. Biggus (sounds like bogus, right?) is an antiques dealer. He has a reputation for finding all the best antique furniture and seems to have an endless supply. His method for procurement is his Sunday outings to the country. He dresses like a Reverend and claims to be interested in historic preservation of old English furniture. He preys on the emotions and ignorance of small country farmers and buys pieces at 5% of what they are worth. 

When he finds the holy grail of antiques, his greed may get the best of him. He better be careful not to outsmart himself.

Rating: 8-8-8-7 Total= 31

#739 The Way Up To Heaven- Roald Dahl

#739 The Way Up To Heaven- Roald Dahl

I guess the most apt adage for this story would be: “Never keep a lady waiting.” Mrs. Foster is a nervous traveler. What she is most nervous about is being late. She is always ready to go to an appointment or a train a good half hour earlier than she needs, and she will wait anxiously until her husband comes out to go with her. Mr. Foster is almost always running just a bit late, and this makes his wife frantic on the edge of breaking down.

For their long marriage this has been going on, and recently Mrs. Foster has been suspicious that her husband makes her wait on purpose, as if taunting her and her fear of missing her train. The biggest trip of her life is coming up, a solo trip to Paris to visit her daughter and granddaughter. When Mr. Foster seems intent on making her miss her plane, she does the unthinkable—leaves without him. This act of insolence or one of liberation (depending on your perspective) will be his undoing.

Rating: 7-7-7-7 Total= 28

#711 William and Mary- Roald Dahl

#711 William and Mary- Roald Dahl

William has died leaving his wife behind. A week after his death she receives a letter from his attorney that he had been instructed to give her upon his death. The letter describes his decision to allow his brain to be used for an experiment. It was to be removed from his body and kept alive using a heart pump and other artificial devices.

“The big difference, of course, would be that we have severed every single nerve that leads into it…and this means that your thinking would no longer be influenced by your senses. You’d be living in an extraordinarily pure and detached world. Nothing to bother you at all, not even pain…No worries or fears or pains or hunger or thirst.”

He would be left with the brain in a basin of fluid and one eye so he could see the world, but nothing else. Mary was shocked and disgusted. But she went to see the brain after reading about it. After getting over the initial grotesque nature of the situation, she was overwhelmed with a renewed sense of affection for her husband. All the things she despised about him were now taken away, leaving her free to do all the things he wouldn’t allow.

“No arguments and criticisms, she thought, no constant admonitions, no rules to obey…no pair of cold disapproving eyes.”

But with one eye, and no way of communicating, she could also make him see whatever she wished, for as long as the brain could stay alive. Revenge is sweet.

Rating: 8-8-8-8 Total= 32

#683 The Landlady- Roald Dahl

#683 The Landlady- Roald Dahl

A young seventeen year old man, Billy, has come into town from London. He starts at the local office tomorrow and is looking for a place to stay. He is eager, well-dressed, and full of energy.

“Briskness, he had decided, was the one common characteristic of all successful businessmen.”

He is pointed to an Inn about a half-mile down the road. As he walks however he comes across a boarding house, a bed and breakfast that catches his eye. It’s quaint and quiet but not exactly what he was looking for. Before walking on however, he is drawn back to the house and rings the bell. Immediately a nice old woman answers the door.

“She seemed terribly nice. She looked exactly like the mother of one’s best school-friend welcoming one into the house to stay for the Christmas holidays.”

The price is cheap and the woman, although a little batty, is very nice. He decides to stay the night. As he is signing the register, he notices only two names, the most recent from two years ago! The names sound familiar to him and they might be name of two school boys that went missing, but he cant be sure.

This is the beginning of a haunting tale we never get to see. We are left to wonder if the tea is poisoned, if the woman has kept the other boys upstairs stiffed like the two animals in the drawing room. It’s not likely he will ever get out of that house.

Rating: 8-7-7-7 Total= 29

#655 Neck- Roald Dahl

#655 Neck- Roald Dahl

Sir Basil Turton has just inherited his father’s estate, title and control of a large newspaper and media empire. He is forty and single and the sudden target of every single socialite in England. He is a recluse and manages to avoid entanglement for a while, but eventually gets snagged by a foreign beauty who quickly takes her new position and uses it to its full potential.

Years later, both Lady and Sir Turton are rarely seen in public, but a gossip columnist has secured a weekend invitation to their country estate. What follows is a scene of English High societal weekending. Drinks, gossip, a little intrigue and meddling butler. Normally I would not enjoy a short story about English high society (just not my thing) but Dahl has a way of telling a good yarn. The buffoonery is pretty spectacular.

Rating: 7-6-8-7 Total= 27

#627 Skin- Roald Dahl

#627 Skin- Roald Dahl

We’ve all made crazy choices while drunk, right? The classic story about waking up with a tattoo you forgot about getting. Drioli is a tattoo artist and he had the biggest day of his career. Teeming with money and joy he brings home wine for him, his wife, and the young brooding artist working in his studio. As the night progresses and this young man becomes enamored with his wife, Drioli has an idea: He wants the artists to tattoo a picture of his wife on his own back. It is done.

Years later, decades really, he is walking the streets cold, poor, hungry and without friends or family remaining. He is stopped by a beautiful painting in a gallery window. He’s not sure why he has stopped, but then realizes the work was done by the same artist that gave him the tattoo all that time ago. Only now, Chaim Soutine is a world famous painter.

He enters he gallery and as he is being escorted out by the snobbish crowd he strips off his shirt and reveals the masterpiece on his back. There is a bidding war for the piece between one man willing to pay for a skin graft to remove the work physically and other that will pay him to walk around shirtless at his beachside hotel. Funny!

Rating: 7-8-8-8 Total= 31

#599 Galloping Foxley- Roald Dahl

#599 Galloping Foxley- Roald Dahl

Perkins commutes to work every morning by train. He takes the same train every day, with the dame people, sits in the same seat and enjoys it.

 “Believe me, there is nothing like routine and regularity for preserving one’s piece of mind. I have now made this morning journey nearly ten thousand times in all, and I enjoying more and more every day.”

“I am in every sense of the word a contented commuter.”

He is a man of habit and anytime there is a change in this habit, he is thrown off. One day a large man stands on the platform waiting for the train. He is new and all the daily commuters shift nervously. He dares to sit across from Perkins, and Perkins is appalled and offended. Worse, he recognized him as his childhood bully from fifty years ago. At least he thinks that is who it is.

Rating: 7-6-7-6 Total= 26

#564 Dip in the Pool- Roald Dahl

#564 Dip in the Pool- Roald Dahl

A cruise ship is sailing along in the mid-Atlantic. Part of the tradition on this ship—as a means of alleviating boredom and have a little gaming fun—they hold an auction. Each day the captain makes an estimate of the next day’s travel distance, and the participants bid on the real distance the ship will travel. 

On a day where the seas suddenly get rougher after the Captain’s estimate, but before the auction, an enterprising passenger, Mr. Botibol, bids heavily on the lower numbers assuming that the ship will run slower in bad weather. Unfortunately when he awakes the seas are calm as glass and there is no way he will win the pool unless the ship suddenly stops.

His plan of jumping into the ocean—1,000 miles from land—seems like a bad plan, but it just might work. Only, somebody has to see you do it, and that person has to be of a right mind to warn the Captain—otherwise, bon voyage!

Rating: 8-8-8-8 Total= 32

#536 My Lady Love, My Dove- Roald Dahl

#536 My Lady Love, My Dove- Roald Dahl

Another nice example of a Roald Dahl classic. We see a proper upper class couple about to entertain another couple for the weekend. Arthur seems like a nice gentleman and is looking forward to it, while his wife is represented as a pretty awful person. She is katty, pushy, judgmental, and an all around miserable person. She invites the Snapes over for appearance sake and because they like to play bridge.

She has an idea that she says will make the night “fun.” She forces Arthur to set up a microphone in their guest’s room so they can overhear their real thoughts. Arthur thinks it’s a horrible thing to do, but is ultimately bullied into it. The night progresses, and the Snapes prove to be wonderful guests, making the spying seem even more of an evil thing.

There is a turn of opinion when we overhear the guests plans on cheating at bridge. They practice hand signals so they can rob the “Rich Bitch” during the next match. Just when you think you’ve taken Pamela’s side, she proves once again that she can stoop to whatever level her guest can reach, even lower actually.

Rating: 8-8-8-8 Total= 32

#501 Man From The South- Roald Dahl

#501 Man From The South- Roald Dahl

This is a classic story. If it seems familiar it’s because it has been adapted into a couple of movies. Most famous of these adaptations was the 1960 short by Alfred Hitchcock starring Steve McQueen and Peter Lorre; and the most recent was Quentin Tarantino’s Four Rooms.

The plot is simple but brilliant. A young man is lured into a high stakes wager against a wealthy stranger. The man bets the youngster that he cannot successfully ignite his lighter ten times consecutively. The man bets his expensive green Cadillac.  The younger man not having that kind of loot to put up, agrees that if he loses, he will allow the rich man to chop off the pinky of his left hand.

They retire to the hotel and make arrangements for the wager to commence. The younger man, with his left hand tied down, strikes the lighter once, twice…seven, eight times. As the tension builds, a woman bursts into the room to put a stop to the bet. The car is hers, she has already won it from the man…she has won all of his wealth in fact. When she picks up the keys to the car, we see that she only has one finger left.

Clearly this is a monster of a story. We see its fingerprints in so many places. Besides the many film and television references I also remember a short story by Stephen King that paid homage to Man From the South. The finger cutting wasn’t a straight wager but an incentive to quit smoking, and the woman at the end revealing her lost fingers was a previous client. The story was called Quitter’s Inc.

Rating: 10-10-10-10 Total=40

#480 Lamb to the Slaughter- Roald Dahl

#480 Lamb to the Slaughter- Roald Dahl

Mary Moloney was the perfect housewife, loving and doting on her husband. She was also six months pregnant. Her husband was the perfect husband, a hard working police officer. He comes home after work and she makes drinks and they sit together, enjoying each other’s company. This is a happy marriage.

“She loved him for the way he say loosely in a chair, for the way he came in a door, or moved slowly across the room with long strides. She loved the intent, far look in his eyes when they rested on her, the funny shape of his mouth, and especially the way he remained silent about his tiredness, sitting still with himself until the whisky had taken some of it away.”

Of course things aren’t always as they seem. When secrets are revealed, a horrible crime is committed. They say that the cover up is always worse than the crime. In this case it may also be more delicious too.

Rating: 7-8-8-8 Total= 31

#459 Taste- Roald Dahl

#459 Taste- Roald Dahl

This is a fun story. Once a year, Mike Schofield hosts a dinner party attended by the famous gourmet, Richard Pratt. He prides himself on his taste and is proud of having such an honored guest. The last few years, they have had a little wager. They bet a case of wine on whether Pratt could name the vintage of the wine served in a blind tasting. So far, Pratt has won each time.

This year, Schofield has scoured the wineries looking for a selection so remote and rare that there is little chance Pratt would being able to match his previous feats of taste. At the dinner, Pratt seems nonchalant and a his non-interest in the meal irks his host. So, when the yearly wager is broached, there is a tension in the air that causes Schofield to be duped into upping the bet to ridiculous stakes. He will put his daughters hand in marriage on the table against Pitt’s two country homes.

Pratt’s wine tasting process and the outcome of the wager is built up and crafted wonderfully. This is short story writing in a very pure sense. I loved it.

Rating: 8-9-10-9 Total= 36