#871 Why Aardvark Never Landed on the Moon- Chuck Palahniuk

#871 Why Aardvark Never Landed on the Moon- Chuck Palahniuk

Rabbit, Rooster and Aardvark were the fifth-grade nerds. They were undersized and over-brained and because that made them stand out, they were ostracized and bullied.

“…came from clean homes and parents who expressed love and respect for them. It goes without saying that they were beaten by bullies almost weekly.”

This aggression would not stand. They were at their wits end, so being geniuses, they came up with a genius solution. They would start failing and drop back a few grades. Then, they would be bigger than their piers and could once again be as smart as they wanted without fear of retribution. In a fun reference to one of Palahniuk’s most popular books, they called it “Flunk Klub.” And as you might have guessed: “The first rule of Flunk Klub, is you don’t talk about Flunk Klub.”

“Watching television seems to help, but it took brainpower to be so dumb.” They were so intent on their own dumbining, that they started sniffing glue to seal the deal. Their success at hand, their plan caused unintended consequences and instead of graduating to the next grade they just graduated to harder drugs.

This is one of a few stories in this collection that use animals as human characters. It reminds me of the Far Side cartoon by Gary Larsen.

Rating: 8-8-8-7 Total= 31

#696 The Toad Prince- Chuck Palahniuk

#696 The Toad Prince- Chuck Palahniuk

Well, this story reaches new levels of gross. Thank you Chuck Palahniuk, you win the prize! Not only does he create stories from topics you didn’t want to know about, he does it from places you didn’t want to know exist.

Ethan and Mona are canoodling in his bed, on the way to having sex for the first time together. It’s cute at first but Ethan is taking it slow, preparing her for something we don’t know about. But we know it’s going to be weird.

“Ethan choice her not because she’s hot. He thought she’d be more open minded…He’d found [her] in advanced placement Microbiology During a section of virology. He loves her because she loves viruses. There’s a match made in heaven.”

He tells her of the history of tattoos, body modification, and sexual mutilation. He has invented some new body-altering sexual fetish. You can’t look away, but you should. This is the epitome of grotesque. It’s Stephen King meets Penthouse Forum. Most definitely not safe for the squeamish. I’ll give Palahniuk points for originality.

Rating: 7-7-8-4 Total= 26

#507 Phoenix- Chuck Palahniuk

#507 Phoenix- Chuck Palahniuk

Rachel is away from home for the first time in her three-year old daughters life. April feels betrayed and she is giving her mother the silent treatment. Each night when she calls up to speak with April, there is nothing but silence on the end of the line. She begins to suspect that either April is hurt or her husband, Ted is purposely holding a grudge and punishing her.

We learn of two tragedies. Despite Rachel asking to get rid of the filthy cat during her pregnancy, it was too late. Toxoplasma from the cat’s dander and feces caused their daughter to be born blind. One year later, the cat is set on fire when the fireplace is turned on causing the house to burn down and the cat to perish. Blame is everywhere, but kept silent.

Over the course of the story we see exactly how Rachel feels about her husband:

-Rachel feels a respect for her daughter that she’s never felt for her husband-

-Rachel is used to explaining things to Ted. She knew he’d never be brilliant. That was his chief charm…She’d married him for all the reasons she might hire a long-term employee-

-She explains to her daughter how the only problem with marrying a spineless, lazy, stupid man is that you could be stuck with him the rest of your life-

-I only chose your father because he is weak. I married him because I could push him around-

Yes, yes—such a touching modern love story.

Rating: 8-7-7-6 Total= 28

#422 Why Coyote Never had Money For Parking- Chuck Palahniuk

#422 Why Coyote Never had Money For Parking- Chuck Palahniuk

Coyote is in a struggling marriage with Hyena, and has a weekly tryst with Flamingo, the local prostitute. He loathes living in this (literal) urban jungle where he thinks nobody contributes to society and they’re all out only for themselves. He wanted to be a rock star, but ended up in this disappointing marriage instead:

“He knew that marriage was like one of those movies where the only exciting parts are all squeezed into the three minute preview.”

Nobody in this story is exactly what they seem, and not only because they’re written as animals.

Reading these anthropomorphic stories where all the characters are animals is like seeing those Gary Larson Far Side comics. Its funny on the surface because, “hey look a cow is talking like a human.” But then you see the satire right below the surface. If done well, you forget the delivery method, and are left with the message. It’s brilliant because too often, people see an archetypal character and assign a stereotype from their own mind into it, and the commentary is tainted or lost.

So in that way, it’s also kind of a Rorschach Test for the reader. When Coyote calls Ox and Llama lazy no good ____ you see them as ____. When really they are just an Ox and a Llama, there is no subtext for them written in. Which is fascinating to me. Sometimes a Jackass is just a Jackass.

Notable Passage: “Everything was free if you’d pay enough.”

Rating: 8-9-9-8 Total= 34

#395 Cannibal- Chuck Palahniuk

#395 Cannibal- Chuck Palahniuk

This story is most certainly Not Safe For Work due to sexual conent. And if you’re sensitive to language and slurs, I’d also steer away from this one. Although pointing out the disgusting and foul, things we say, think, and do is sometimes the job of writers, that doesn’t mean we are always in the mood to intake the onslaught of offensive language. However, as anyone who has been to a public high school in say the last 50 years can attest, this is actually kind of tame.

Cannibal is a loser, a seventh grade loner, over-sexed with no girlfriend.

“Because his dad, old Mr. Cannibal, only ever watched the Playboy Channel, and Mrs. Cannibal only liked the 700 Club, so it wasn’t lost on their boy how sex stuff and Christian stuff both looked the same.”

Because he is in such low High School standing, one of the school’s popular girls sees him as the perfect candidate, a low-risk investment, to seduce him into performing a sexual act her boyfriend wants to stay away from. As it turns out, Cannibal is surprisingly adapt at this particular act, and becomes a kind of specialist as the “secret boyfriend” of the school’s sexually oppressed female elite...until he gets too big for his own reputation.

“He brags like his every word’s wearing sunglasses.”

Rating: 8-7-9-8 Total= 32

#374 Romance- Chuck Palahniuk

#374 Romance- Chuck Palahniuk

It gets to the point where you see a Palahniuk story with a title like Romance, and you spend the whole time waiting for the dark, twisted, creepy “reveal.” Maybe because I was clenched for it, I didn’t find the twist that creepy. In a way, this is a touching love story about a man finding true happiness.

Love and happiness are both individual pursuits. Not everyone likes what you like, and if you can find someone who’s faults you can not only live with, but adore…maybe that’s true love.

Notable Passage: “Everybody looks a little crazy if you’re looking close enough, and if you can’t look that close then you don’t really love them.”

Rating: 8-8-8-7 Total= 31

#361 Red Sultan’s Big Boy- Chuck Palahniuk

#361 Red Sultan’s Big Boy- Chuck Palahniuk

Randall was divorced and lived on his family’s land. He was divorced and had a thirteen year-old daughter he would do anything to make happy. What made her happy, were horses. Her last horse suddenly died, so Lisa and her father bought a new horse she had seen on the internet called Red Sultan’s Big Boy.

Randall didn’t see the horse on this internet, he would prefer if the Internet didn’t exist, at least for his young daughter, he desperately was trying to keep from growing up.

“…lousy Internet access wasn’t tragic, not when a single keystroke could bring all the filth and degradation of the world into a person’s peaceful, bright kitchen. These days it took real effort to keep purity in a child’s life.”

The horse bought, Lisa happy, Randall was barraged by phone calls from neighbors. They warned him that the new horse was not allowed on their property and as long as it was on his, no neighbor would be coming to visit. They called the seemingly docile horse a murderer. Confused by this turn of events, he learned that there was a viral video of Red Sultan making the rounds. After getting several calls for unheard of offers for the horse, he decided to watch this video for himself. Bad idea…some things cannot be unseen.

It was “…like watching Mother Nature get revenge for all the global warming the white patriarchy had inflicted on the environment.”

And like the subtitle of this collection of stories states, this is a story you can’t unread. I’m not saying you shouldn’t read this, I’m just saying…you know…not every story about a horse it like the Black Stallion.

Rating: 9-8-9-7 Total= 33

#332 Loser- Chuck Palahniuk

#332 Loser- Chuck Palahniuk

It’s Zeta Delta pledge week and as is tradition, the fraternity brothers all get dressed in ZD t-shirts, goes to a taping of the Price is Right and—of course—eats tabs of Hello Kitty blotter acid.

One of them gets selected as a contestant and wins his way on stage. Just when the acid kicks in, he has to try and make sense of what exactly is going on:

“They make you spin this doohickey so it rolls around. You have to match a bunch of different pictures so they go together perfect. Like you’re some white rat in Principles of Behavioral Psychology 201, they make you guess which can of baked beans costs more than another. All that fuss to win something you sit on to mow your lawn.”

Anyone who has ever seen an episode of Price is Right—and like this kid, most people of my generation know it from days we are home sick from school—knows that too many details of the game are off. That’s ok though, lets just say this is a satire on all televised TV game shows. In any case, this college kid, nearly spinning off the planet on acid, makes it all the way to the Showcase Showdown (trademarked I’m sure).

“It’s just you and the old granny wearing the sweatshirt from before just somebody’s regular grandma, but she’s lived through world wars and nuclear bombs, probably saw all the Kennedys get shot and Abraham Lincoln, and now she’s bobbing up and down on her tennis shoe toes, clapping her granny hands and crowded by supermodels and flashing lights while the big voice makes her the promise of a sport-utility vehicle, a wide-screen television, a floor length fur coat.”

“And probably it’s the acid, but it’s like nothing seems to add up.” Nope, sure as shootin’ it don’t.

Rating: 8-9-9-8 Total= 34